The Preface

If you had told me only a few weeks ago that the Daily 49er would invite to not only have a weekly column, but also an opportunity to produce a regular blog on their website, I wouldn't have believed you. In fact, Bradley Zint, the Editor in Chief of the 49er, attempted to tell me just that over most of the Winter break. Only I hung up the phone every time I realized it was him.

You see, I don't trust these journalist types. They always have some kind of hidden agenda, and they're always trying to get my voice on tape. I'm sure it's for something sinister; if there's anything I've learned in my life it's that people with agendas cannot be trusted. That's why I've always been an avid member of the Republican party and read The Weekly Standard more often than my Bible. James Dobson assures me that both publications have essentially the same message.

And that is also why, after days of arduous, complex and often belittling correspondence, I decided to accept his offer and become a weekly contributor for the Daily 49er. I consider it quite an honor, and hope that during my stay I can do away with the hidden liberal agenda of this publication and turn it into the pro-corporation, neoconservative echo chamber that every other American journalistic publication strives to become. And with your help (that is, your blind, unyielding obedience) I can make that dream a reality.

With the dawning of such an auspicious movement, I thought it best to provide my readers with a glimpse into the humble beginnings of one of the most admirable news outlets in the United States: the FOX News Channel, the lone, untainted voice of the news media. The following is a rarely-seen pilot program produced by the network, which laid out the fundamental message of the network and set the underlying tone for all subsequent programming:

People love news that has no ulterior motive. That's why the latest FOX television endeavor, Fox Business Channel is just soaring in the ratings. I only hope that I can follow humbly in their footsteps.