"Your Batsh*t Crazy Preacher Said What?!" - Extended Edition

Nothing says "American political adventure" quite like a rousing game of "Your Batsh*t Crazy Preacher Said What?!", a game where we struggle to identify the most insensitive, intolerant, bigoted, hateful, and downright batshit insane comments and determine which of America's leading religious bullhorns had the gall to spew them.

It's America's favorite pastime, when we all gather around the TV and watch as the latest pasty white news anchor puts on his brown lipstick and tells us why we should feel infuriated at the latest partisan target. Keeping track of who said what and why we're supposed to feel so angry can sometimes be a daunting task, and while I feel bad giving you all a pop quiz with finals fast approaching, this is one that you can't afford to skip in order to play GTA4.

Instructions: Identify which inflammatory statement was boldly spewed from the pulpit of which radical religious figure. Bonus points may also be rewarded if you can identify why some of these statements have never been so much as mentioned on national television.

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A. Jeremiah Wright (Sen. Obama's pastor; has not endorsed a candidate)
B. John Hagee (officially endorses Sen. McCain)
C. Jerry Falwell (deceased; is assumed to have endorsed McCain from his spot in Heaven or Hell)
D. Pat Robertson (originally endorsed Mayor Giuliani; no subsequent endorsements)
E. James Dobson (once said he would rather not vote than vote for McCain; now half-heartedly endorses McCain)
F. Rod Parsley (officially endorses Sen. McCain; McCain calls him a "spiritual guide")

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1) __ "God Bless America? No, no, no, not 'God Bless America,' God Damn America!"

2) __ "Adolf Hitler and the Roman Catholic Church [cooperated] in a conspiracy to exterminate the Jews."

3) __ "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans."

4) __ "[The homosexual] agenda includes teaching pro-homosexual [sic] concepts in the public schools, redefining the family to represent 'any circle of people who love each other,' approval of homosexual adoption, legitimizing same-sex marriage, and securing special rights for those who identify themselves as gay. Those ideas must be opposed, even though to do so is to expose oneself to the charge of being "homophobic."

5) __ "(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

6) __ "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up."

7) __ Believes that the US government is potentially responsible for using AIDS as a means to exterminate the Black population.

8) __ "That every single year, millions of our tax dollars are funding a national organization [Planned Parenthood] built upon that very goal -- their target: African Americans. That's right, the death toll: nearly fifteen hundred African Americans a day. The shocking truth of black genocide."

9) __ "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different."

10) __ "[In regards to 9/11] America's chickens are coming home to roost."

11) __ "[In regards to 9/11] I really believe that the pagans, the abortionists, the feminists, the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

12) __ "[In regards to previous statement] I totally concur."

13) __ Believes that a confrontation with Iran is a necessary precondition for the second coming of Christ, and that the US should pursue military action for that reason.

14) __ "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if [Hugo Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

15) __ "I cannot tell you how important it is that we understand the true nature of Islam, that we see it for what it really is. In fact, I will tell you this: I do not believe our country can truly fulfill its divine purpose until we understand our historical conflict with Islam. I know that this statement sounds extreme, but I do not shrink from its implications. The fact is that America was founded, in part, with the intention of seeing this false religion destroyed, and I believe September 11, 2001, was a generational call to arms that we can no longer ignore."

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Answer key:
1) A
2) B
3) B
4) E
5) D
6) D
7) A
8) F
9) D
10) A
11) C
12) D
13) B
14) C
15) F

Waiter, there's Evangelism in my politics!

Many have wondered how the more politically-minded of us find stories for our opinions. It involves a lot of anger, a lot of internet trolling, and the not-too-infrequent infusion of alcohol, which seems only to catalyze the two former actions. The result: a general muddling of issues and people and movements such that it all becomes one murky, purple soup inside of your head by the time you're done. It's sometimes hard to keep track of who you are supposed to be pissed off at and who you're supposed to send your money to. Often times it ends up being the same person, though that particular conundrum isn't too uncommon with evangelical Christians such as I.

He may be the Antichrist, sure, but at least he's not some goddamned hippie!

I figure that since this is the way it's always been since the beginning of REAL Christianity (i.e. 1979). So it shocked me to read in the Christian Post that many evangelical leaders believe "the movement has become too political and has diminished the Gospel through its approach to the culture wars."

The statement, called "An Evangelical Manifesto," condemns Christians on the right and left for "using faith" to express political views without regard to the truth of the Bible, according to a draft of the document obtained Friday by The Associated Press.

"That way faith loses its independence, Christians become `useful idiots' for one political party or another, and the Christian faith becomes an ideology," according to the draft.

News flash to the writers of this draft: this is America. And in America's political system, useful idiots make or break the election. Why do you hate America so much?

The authors also state that "all too often we have attacked the evils and injustices of others while we have condoned our own sins," and they also claim that "we must reform our own behavior." Have any of these pastors ever read the Bible? What part of "love thy neighbor as thyself" don't they understand? If I truly love my neighbor, it is my sworn duty as a Bible-thumping Christian to forcibly correct every minute mistake he/she could possibly make with the hopes that their pitiful souls will one day rise into the Heavens to dwell with the saints!

Am I supposed to stand idly by while my neighbor sends his kids to public schools, where his daughter will without a doubt become sexually active, be told to have wild, unimaginable sex with anyone she can get her hands on, and then go have an abortion? Or am I supposed to de-fund public education, enforce abstinence-only education, picket/burn the abortion clinic, run the doctor out of town and declare his/her daughter a harlot? I think the good, Christian answer is obvious.

And I'm not alone in my fight against this injustice. Luckily the big players in the evangelical movement like Dr. James Dobson aren't signing on to this declaration. This ensures, as Phil Burress puts it, that "it's like throwing a pebble in the ocean" and will have almost no effect at all. And they say that the church can't handle dissent.

These churches no all too well how important the informed values voter is to America's survival, and make sure to remind all of us that God wishes for us to vote, and vote "our values". But what are those values?

It's okay if you don't know how a Christian ought to vote. You're not alone. That's why they the good people at Dobson's Focus on the Family ministries spend millions of dollars telling you how you need to vote on every single issue if you wish to avoid the impending wrath of The Almighty.

It's called CitizenLink, and it's FotF's unabashedly political arm (If Dobson were Goro it would be his upper left arm). These guys cover everything from local to international news, all with a unique Christian perspective unlike anything you've seen outside of FOX News. They're also major promoters of the National Day of Prayer, a holiday meant to celebrate all religious faiths which has been mercilessly hijacked by the religious Right just as President Truman and the Good Lord no doubt intended it to be. It's a holiday that people take so seriously they're willing to organize "prayer flights" over particularly heathen-y cities in efforts to cleanse them.

(Artist's rendition of alleged "prayer flight")

One particularly good section of this website is a weekly video produced by the Director of Digital Media, Stuart Shepard entitled Stoplight. He's one of my favorites, both for his snarky, "I-know-something-you-don't-know-why-are-you-so-dense-that-you-can't-figure-this-out-it's-simple-shit-people-come-on!" attitude, as well as for his unique ability to take complex, thought-provoking and intentionally discussion-inducing issues and manipulate them into "with me or against me" scenarios. Hey, if it's good enough for the DoD, it's good enough for everyone. And nothing brings out the "useful idiot" swing vote quite like a "vote for them and you're aligning yourself with Satan" social issue.

Here's a list of some of my favorites. Hopefully one day I will have the skills and wherewithal that Mr. Shepard has when it comes to breaking down the problems of our time. For instance, did you know:

• "Hate crimes legislation is not really about hate or crime. What it's really about is getting the federal government to grant civil rights status to a particular behavior, which is the offramp that leads to the end of marriage and family."
• Military "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policies serve the best interests of the military, because they ensure that men won't have to endure the troubling possibility of de-robing themselves in front of someone who may be sexually attracted to them, which is also why you will never see any military members at beaches, swimming pools, or any other public events where they may be noticed by another human being with anything but combat gear on. Also: "Gays in the military is to same sex marriage, as embryonic stem cell research is to pro life."
• If members of Congress don't support funding abstinence-only education in public schools, that means that they are "more concerned about vegetables, whales and extraterrestrials than the mental, physical and emotional health of young Americans." "How could anyone be against teaching children about moral purity," he asks. It's a no-brainer: "Healthy kids don't need liberals."
• A government study that shows abstinence-only education has literally no effect on the sexual practices of young adults PROVES beyond a shadow of a doubt that comprehensive sex ed is failing. (Bonus points if you can comprehend his brilliant analogy)

One wonders just what people are worrying about when they say things like we need to "go back to the root theological meaning of the term evangelical." I don't know about you, but that sounds like goddamn hippie talk to me.