"Your Batsh*t Crazy Preacher Said What?!" - Extended Edition

Nothing says "American political adventure" quite like a rousing game of "Your Batsh*t Crazy Preacher Said What?!", a game where we struggle to identify the most insensitive, intolerant, bigoted, hateful, and downright batshit insane comments and determine which of America's leading religious bullhorns had the gall to spew them.

It's America's favorite pastime, when we all gather around the TV and watch as the latest pasty white news anchor puts on his brown lipstick and tells us why we should feel infuriated at the latest partisan target. Keeping track of who said what and why we're supposed to feel so angry can sometimes be a daunting task, and while I feel bad giving you all a pop quiz with finals fast approaching, this is one that you can't afford to skip in order to play GTA4.

Instructions: Identify which inflammatory statement was boldly spewed from the pulpit of which radical religious figure. Bonus points may also be rewarded if you can identify why some of these statements have never been so much as mentioned on national television.

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A. Jeremiah Wright (Sen. Obama's pastor; has not endorsed a candidate)
B. John Hagee (officially endorses Sen. McCain)
C. Jerry Falwell (deceased; is assumed to have endorsed McCain from his spot in Heaven or Hell)
D. Pat Robertson (originally endorsed Mayor Giuliani; no subsequent endorsements)
E. James Dobson (once said he would rather not vote than vote for McCain; now half-heartedly endorses McCain)
F. Rod Parsley (officially endorses Sen. McCain; McCain calls him a "spiritual guide")

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1) __ "God Bless America? No, no, no, not 'God Bless America,' God Damn America!"

2) __ "Adolf Hitler and the Roman Catholic Church [cooperated] in a conspiracy to exterminate the Jews."

3) __ "I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans."

4) __ "[The homosexual] agenda includes teaching pro-homosexual [sic] concepts in the public schools, redefining the family to represent 'any circle of people who love each other,' approval of homosexual adoption, legitimizing same-sex marriage, and securing special rights for those who identify themselves as gay. Those ideas must be opposed, even though to do so is to expose oneself to the charge of being "homophobic."

5) __ "(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

6) __ "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up."

7) __ Believes that the US government is potentially responsible for using AIDS as a means to exterminate the Black population.

8) __ "That every single year, millions of our tax dollars are funding a national organization [Planned Parenthood] built upon that very goal -- their target: African Americans. That's right, the death toll: nearly fifteen hundred African Americans a day. The shocking truth of black genocide."

9) __ "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different."

10) __ "[In regards to 9/11] America's chickens are coming home to roost."

11) __ "[In regards to 9/11] I really believe that the pagans, the abortionists, the feminists, the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.'"

12) __ "[In regards to previous statement] I totally concur."

13) __ Believes that a confrontation with Iran is a necessary precondition for the second coming of Christ, and that the US should pursue military action for that reason.

14) __ "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if [Hugo Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

15) __ "I cannot tell you how important it is that we understand the true nature of Islam, that we see it for what it really is. In fact, I will tell you this: I do not believe our country can truly fulfill its divine purpose until we understand our historical conflict with Islam. I know that this statement sounds extreme, but I do not shrink from its implications. The fact is that America was founded, in part, with the intention of seeing this false religion destroyed, and I believe September 11, 2001, was a generational call to arms that we can no longer ignore."

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Answer key:
1) A
2) B
3) B
4) E
5) D
6) D
7) A
8) F
9) D
10) A
11) C
12) D
13) B
14) C
15) F