The Bush Stimulus Package, courtesy of Bush Co.

Does your economy have a "growing" problem? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Many strong, healthy economies today suffer from a lack of growth, putting too much strain on their systems which can cause them to perform inadequately.

Economic Impotence (or EI) is a common disorder among large, free-market economies. Common symptoms include depressed housing values, leading to frequent foreclosures, unexpected drops in the stock market, rising commodities costs and rampant inflation. A profound sense of worry and unease may become prolonged due to stress associated with EI. If left untreated, EI can cause serious damage to poor and working-class populations. In some chronic cases, middle-class populations can also suffer.

But now there is hope! Thanks to a new stimulus formula created by your friends at Bush Co., you can again experience the youthful vigor of a rapidly-growing economy in no time. It's called the Bush Stimulus Package, and here's how it works:

Utilizing neo-corporatist ideology and an emphasis on organizational health rather than the individual, the Bush stimulus package provides taxpayers with an instant rebate of hundreds of dollars, along with a proven, decades-old mantra: "Shut up and shop!" Unlike other economic stimuli which attempt to create growth through an emphasis on long-term investments and a strong, fiscally sensible working class, the Bush stimulus package provides an immediate boost to consumers' wallets, encouraging spending rather than savings. As Alex Penelas said just after 9/11: "...it has never been more patriotic to go shopping."

The Bush Stimulus Package also works to curb inflamed gasoline prices by selling tens of billions of dollars worth of advanced weaponry to free democratic societies in the Middle East with no blatant ties to international terrorist groups (like Saudi Arabia). And while other packages may include risks of raising funding for aid programs for the poor, the Bush Stimulus Package promises no increases in Medicaid funding while providing tax incentives for businesses. No other stimulus package gives you corporate-oriented results like that.

Call your congressperson now and recommend that they allow the Bush Stimulus Package to forcibly penetrate the now flaccid economy and provide it with much-needed stimulation, ensuring that it begins to rise at a steady, healthy rate when you need it most. Don't let EI ruin your relationships and send you screaming headlong into unheard of amounts of debt. Act now!

(Warning: side effects of Bush Co. products may include sneezing, coughing, wheezing, loss of life savings, loss of control of the deficit and minor hemorrhaging. In some rare cases spontaneous international incidents may occur based on faulty or fabricated evidence. If left untreated for some time these may develop into serious quagmires, requiring lengthly and expensive treatment. Consult your congressperson if you begin to notice quagmires forming. If economy remains raised for over four hours consider contacting a doctor immediately.)

Roe v. Wade and the Sanctity of Life - A New Perspective

There are few issues that rile the conservative more than this. What is at stake is the sense of morality and justice that lie at the core of our nation, if not humanity as a whole. To allow something this heinous, this destructive, and this ungodly to continue unabated within our borders calls into question everything that the United States is built upon.

And no, I am not talking about Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign.

I talk to you today about the issue of abortion. Much has been said about Roe v. Wade in the decades since the court decision took effect, and there will be no shortage of chants of "right to choose" and the transparent, underlying mysogyny in dictating that every woman - regardless of the circumstances and regardless of her economic disposition - is required once pregnant to give birth, while their male counterparts experience no lasting penalty or responsibility for procreating without restrant. Steven Tyler of all people once asked, "If men bled would tampons be free?" He was no doubt a Communist.

No, it is quite clear to me that abortion is the serious, moral issue that nearly every evangelical preacher says it is. But I wouldn't be a good opinion writer if I didn't try to bring some new perspective to the debate, especially one like this which has been raging for over thirty years now. If one wants to find common opinions on the pro-life side of the abortion debate, there are many places to accomodate. I won't reiterate their arguments here.

What cannot be ignored in this debate is the overarching consequences of abortion, not just on the women involved but also on their families, friends, loved ones, and most importantly the economy. Statistics show that there are 1.2 million abortions in the United States every year, with four in one of those women being below the poverty line. Economic harship is without a doubt one of the major justifications; many already have a child to care for and simply cannot afford to support another human being in their household. Adoption helps in that regard, but until it can keep up with and eventually exceed abortion rates, it simply won't be a reasonable solution.

The fact of the matter is that this is 1.2 million potential workers lost every year, the majority of it born into poverty. This is, I believe, an unprecedented example of waste. If for no other reason we should ban the practice of abortion because it is damaging our already weakened economy. The overturning of Roe v. Wade should be a ciritcal part of any serious economic stimulus package.

The advantages of such a decision are undeniable. As it stands American businesses are losing literally billions in revenue paying workers union wages, not to mention other benefits. Worker's rights movements are sapping our economy dry, leaving it a dry husk compared to its former glory. There is no better way to lower the price of labor than to ensure that there is a massive influx of it every year. Banning abortions can do just that.

Many would complain that such a rationale cheapens human life and human dignity. So killing them is more humane? How deliciously ironic. If anything, I am doing these otherwise-unborn children a favor by ensuring that they are born and have an opportunity to compete in our glorious free market capitalist system!

It's simple supply and demand. If there are more jobs than workers, than the price of labor rises with businesses competing with each other to entice labor towards their enterprises. But imagine an additional 1.2 million potential workers entering the market yearly, most of them unskilled. We couldn't create enough jobs to keep up with the demand! Labor prices would drop fiercely as workers struggle tooth and nail with each other to see who will work the most hours for the lowest wages possible. Free trade has created similar conditions in countries such as China and Southeast Asia. It's time that local American businesses benfitted from a work force so desperate for a job that they'll do sixteen-hour shifts making Mickey Mouse slippers if it means that they'll be able to buy a bowl of rice...maybe.

My friends, the time is now. I stand with all of my fellow pro-life bretheren when I urge everyone to write their congressmen and ask that they fight against abortion, and for a brighter tomorrow. Our economy depends upon it.

The Preface

If you had told me only a few weeks ago that the Daily 49er would invite to not only have a weekly column, but also an opportunity to produce a regular blog on their website, I wouldn't have believed you. In fact, Bradley Zint, the Editor in Chief of the 49er, attempted to tell me just that over most of the Winter break. Only I hung up the phone every time I realized it was him.

You see, I don't trust these journalist types. They always have some kind of hidden agenda, and they're always trying to get my voice on tape. I'm sure it's for something sinister; if there's anything I've learned in my life it's that people with agendas cannot be trusted. That's why I've always been an avid member of the Republican party and read The Weekly Standard more often than my Bible. James Dobson assures me that both publications have essentially the same message.

And that is also why, after days of arduous, complex and often belittling correspondence, I decided to accept his offer and become a weekly contributor for the Daily 49er. I consider it quite an honor, and hope that during my stay I can do away with the hidden liberal agenda of this publication and turn it into the pro-corporation, neoconservative echo chamber that every other American journalistic publication strives to become. And with your help (that is, your blind, unyielding obedience) I can make that dream a reality.

With the dawning of such an auspicious movement, I thought it best to provide my readers with a glimpse into the humble beginnings of one of the most admirable news outlets in the United States: the FOX News Channel, the lone, untainted voice of the news media. The following is a rarely-seen pilot program produced by the network, which laid out the fundamental message of the network and set the underlying tone for all subsequent programming:

People love news that has no ulterior motive. That's why the latest FOX television endeavor, Fox Business Channel is just soaring in the ratings. I only hope that I can follow humbly in their footsteps.