The Bush Stimulus Package, courtesy of Bush Co.

Does your economy have a "growing" problem? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Many strong, healthy economies today suffer from a lack of growth, putting too much strain on their systems which can cause them to perform inadequately.

Economic Impotence (or EI) is a common disorder among large, free-market economies. Common symptoms include depressed housing values, leading to frequent foreclosures, unexpected drops in the stock market, rising commodities costs and rampant inflation. A profound sense of worry and unease may become prolonged due to stress associated with EI. If left untreated, EI can cause serious damage to poor and working-class populations. In some chronic cases, middle-class populations can also suffer.

But now there is hope! Thanks to a new stimulus formula created by your friends at Bush Co., you can again experience the youthful vigor of a rapidly-growing economy in no time. It's called the Bush Stimulus Package, and here's how it works:

Utilizing neo-corporatist ideology and an emphasis on organizational health rather than the individual, the Bush stimulus package provides taxpayers with an instant rebate of hundreds of dollars, along with a proven, decades-old mantra: "Shut up and shop!" Unlike other economic stimuli which attempt to create growth through an emphasis on long-term investments and a strong, fiscally sensible working class, the Bush stimulus package provides an immediate boost to consumers' wallets, encouraging spending rather than savings. As Alex Penelas said just after 9/11: "...it has never been more patriotic to go shopping."

The Bush Stimulus Package also works to curb inflamed gasoline prices by selling tens of billions of dollars worth of advanced weaponry to free democratic societies in the Middle East with no blatant ties to international terrorist groups (like Saudi Arabia). And while other packages may include risks of raising funding for aid programs for the poor, the Bush Stimulus Package promises no increases in Medicaid funding while providing tax incentives for businesses. No other stimulus package gives you corporate-oriented results like that.

Call your congressperson now and recommend that they allow the Bush Stimulus Package to forcibly penetrate the now flaccid economy and provide it with much-needed stimulation, ensuring that it begins to rise at a steady, healthy rate when you need it most. Don't let EI ruin your relationships and send you screaming headlong into unheard of amounts of debt. Act now!

(Warning: side effects of Bush Co. products may include sneezing, coughing, wheezing, loss of life savings, loss of control of the deficit and minor hemorrhaging. In some rare cases spontaneous international incidents may occur based on faulty or fabricated evidence. If left untreated for some time these may develop into serious quagmires, requiring lengthly and expensive treatment. Consult your congressperson if you begin to notice quagmires forming. If economy remains raised for over four hours consider contacting a doctor immediately.)