Why I'm Voting for Hillary Clinton!

I bet you never expected to see that image here, did you? Perhaps there is a pang of fear, a howling, shrieking hurricane of horror tearing its way up the back of your neck and going Katrina on the very nether regions of your soul. If so, you know exactly how I felt only a few days ago.

You see, for many conservatives like myself, the mere utterance of the name "Clinton" has the same effect as shouting "Fire!" in the middle of a crowded room. The only difference being that someone is liable to actually set the building on fire in a blind rage.

I have long been of the belief that Hillary Clinton was a communist, the antichrist, or at least married to him. The guilt-by-association was undeniable proof of everything Ronald Reagan warned us about before he went senile and parked Air Force One inside his library. The Reds were infiltrating, and only the Republicans were the wiser.

In an attempt to better understand the inner workings of this sinister movement, I decided to do some research of my own. What I discovered, my friends, was nothing short of astounding. Not a hammer nor a sickle to be seen. In fact, her record...impressed me.

There was the shock, the wrench of the stomach! No, get a hold of yourself. You're falling in to their clever ruse. It must be hidden somewhere between the lines, between the pounds and pounds of lipstick and rouge. But the more I looked, the more I admired.

My friends, I am here today to tell you that I am officially endorsing Hillary Clinton for President.

Hear me out, my fellow conservatives. Sure, there are a lot of things about Clinton's record that we don't particularly like. But can you not say the same thing of McCain or Romney or Huckabee? You know the answer to that question; nobody running for President has a pure record. And Hillary has the punch where it counts. If she had cajones, I'd tell you they were huge.

First, look at these two quotes. One of them is spoken by our current President, the other by Sen. Hillary Clinton:

"Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."

and...

"Every nation has to be either with us or against us. Those who harbor terrorists, or finance them, are going to pay a price."

I couldn't tell which was which either.

The truth is, Clinton has been with us on the most important issues of our time. We've just been too blinded by our hatred of the Clintons to recognize all the good the two have done for our nation as well as for businesses. Did you know that while Bill Clinton was President, not only did the Republicans take back both houses of Congress, but we also saw the passing of the Telecommunications Act which further consolidated major broadcast media, even surpassing the level which Reagan himself achieved?

Clinton also oversaw the creation of the World Trade Organization and NAFTA, which have allowed international businesses to bypass the industry and labor regulations of sovereign nations in the name of global commerce, as well as allow subsidized US agriculture to put Mexican farmers out of work. I cannot think of a single Republican who has done more to advance the interests of global business more than Bill Clinton. Without him, entities like Wal-Mart may not have become the local-economy-crushing juggernauts that they are today (Fun Fact: Hillary Clinton once served on the board of directors at Wal-Mart).

And even if we ignore the work of her husband, Clinton offers us one of the most trustworthy voting records when it comes to national defense. From the liberal trashcan known as Collingwood's:

YES on the Patriot Act
YES on authorizing pre-emptive war in Afghanistan and Iraq
YES on funding for both wars, up until around the time polls showed it wasn't politically viable anymore
YES on funding for a border fence along Mexico
YES on funding for the REAL ID Act
YES on declaring Iran's Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization
YES on conformation of Tom Ridge
YES on confirmation of Michael Chertoff
YES on confirmation of John Negroponte

As the moonbat says: "Right away we see a number of votes that, in all honesty, look more at home on the resume of John McCain or Rudy Giuliani than someone purporting to be a liberal." And may that be the last time the two of us agree on something.

So with this in mind, it is my distinct honor to finally offer my valuable endorsement to a presidential candidate who shares my concrete and unwavering vision for this nation. I hereby announce my support for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton for President of these United States. May she serve at least as well as her husband, and like her husband, ensure that the Republicans maintain control of the Legislative Branch for decades to come!